Working With Expectations

Hi everyone, here goes - another attempt at a monthly email to my community! Posting on Instagram has been fun and easier than writing something coherent so if you're into that- follow me there as a nice way to stay connected. 

Happy New Year to all of you. I hope the holidays went as well as possible and that everyone had safe travels. We spent time in Arizona and besides the vintage shopping and pool time the highlight for me was driving a 40 mile unpaved stretch of at times treacherous road through the lakes of eastern Arizona on the Old Apache Trail. Absolutely beautiful and steeped in history, the Apache Trail is is worth a visit as is the Tonto National Forrest that it connects to. Driving through dessert carpeted with grand Saguaro gave us the sublime feeling our California Redwoods inspire. The depth of the landscape is intensified by ancient cliff dwellings that peer out over the vast and fertile Tonto basin. I hear my future vintage caravan calling... 

My husband and I started the new year with the flu which resulted in some really sweet quiet time, re-watching the Godfather trilogy and a brilliant 9 part documentary about the American Southwest called The West. It is a beautifully shot and contains lots of photos and letters written by early settlers. It is also tragic account of the racism that is integrally woven into American history and psyche. 

We counterintuitively slowed down during the hype of the New Year and took care of ourselves and each other. Not what we planned but sometimes the best things are unexpected and or difficult.

Perhaps because it is the new year and change is in the air, or perhaps because letting go of control is a constant topic in my recovery community and in my work with clients, I have been musing on expectations and the illusion of control. I was also stimulated by a conversation on this topic between two of my favorite teachers Gangaji and Janine Roth (thank you to the wonderful client that introduced me to her!) You can listen to that conversation here. I am less neurotic when I patiently and persistently “let go” even a little at a time. What does letting go of control look like as a daily practice? How about you - how do you do it? 

My expectations get to die little deaths as they collide with reality throughout the day. When I pay attention I notice I have infinite expectations and I can actually practice letting go by recognizing this for what it is - the illusion that I know the way things should go. As if I am adjusting the focus lens on a camera I can tune in and pay attention to what is actually happening instead of my ideas about what should be happening. There is a whole world that is flowing ceaselessly and beautifully and I will miss it if I am stuck in the alternate reality of expectation.

For example, I expect a client to react one way and they react another - how gracefully can I get out of my head and start paying vivid attention to my client’s actual experience. How present can I be? How curious can I be?

I expect it to be sunny and it is overcast - how deeply can I pay attention to the color of the sky to the feel and smell of the air. Ultimately, which do I prefer - the heady realm of expectation or the sensual world of the present? I was told years ago that there was a vast difference between reality - which I could see, feel, hear and taste and fantasy - which was up in my head. This awareness gave my life new meaning and vitality and continues to deepen.

I enjoy the vivid colors of the present. 

I am grateful to have the opportunity and willingness to do self examination and to let go of expectations - just a little at a time. I hope you are having a great start to your year and that you can get into whatever is going on. 

Sending Love

“The love that you search for everywhere is already present within you. It may be evoked by any number of people or events. But finally, you must realize you are this love. The source of all love is within you.” - Gangaji

Yuletide Greetings

Sending love and Yuletide greetings! 
 

I am in love with this time year. The quality of the light is stunning, the feel of the air is enlivening and the vibes are so rich. So many feelings! I love hearing and watching clients, community and family reflect and connect. I think this time of year is so resonant and such an opportunity to connect to whatever moves and sustains you. As we move towards the winter solstice on December 21st, the nights are getting longer - then with the solstice the light is born again and I remember… it’s OK to trust…nature is reliable…I can face the darkness and trust the light will be there. 
 

2017 was a big year. I feel in my bones that facing and integrating our personal and collective shadow is vital to waking up and being in balance - and boy did we do that this year! I was so blessed to sit with many of you while you dug deep and stayed focused amongst the chaos. You did an amazing job. I know that the work you do to cultivate balance, integrity and love creates a ripple effect that heals. I honor the work you do and send my love and appreciation for all your efforts. 

Remember the eclipse!? It was magic! I was on the beach in Cape Cod with my husband making a circle with sea shells, setting intentions and having our own little ritual. Big shout out to all the amazing couples I work with who strengthened their couple bubble in 2017! 

So many things I am grateful for - my husband and his seemingly never ending support, my recovery community in all its diverse richness and getting to do the work I love with people I truly enjoy. I finished my PACT training and am embodying the principles of secure functioning relationships. I cultivated my relationship with the earth and my roots with inspiration from Starhawk. l relied on my heart more than my head in my work with clients. I grew a lot this year and you are an integral part of that. Thank you for sharing your journey with me and most of all thank you for being you. There is only one you. I see you and I am grateful for you. 

A reminder that I am out of the office December 22nd - January 3rd and will be mostly unplugged during that time. Going to spend some time in the desert to chill out, connect with family and troll for turquoise. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Lots of love, Hannah

“The love that you search for everywhere is already present within you. It may be evoked by any number of people or events. But finally, you must realize you are this love. The source of all love is within you.” - Gangaji

Keeping The Sex Date

Happy Valentines Day everyone. In light of the holiday lets talk about sexual intimacy! Sex is one of the most important and evocative topics couples explore in therapy. I bare witness to the tenderness, anxiety and excitement that surrounds intimate sexuality in my practice and I love supporting couples in developing rich, rewarding and reliable sex. I want to crystalize a few key concepts and give some tried and true advice regarding intimate sex. 

We have something very special that makes sexual intimacy possible - our neocortex! This neocortex makes us self aware and this makes intimacy possible. Just as this self-awareness allows us to see ourselves, it allows us to experience being seen by another. It is this intimacy factor that gives humans unparalleled sexual potential. The intimacy factor makes sexual potential something that increases with time, commitment and age. Any couple willing to do a few simple (but not easy) things can develop sexual intimacy and have great sex long after the honeymoon phase wears off. 

David Schnarch PhD in his book Passionate Marriage says that sexual intimacy has to do with disclosing yourself through sex. People who can let themselves be seen and known have better sex. This is why maturity as an individual and as a couple is potentially correlated with better sex. As we ripen we have more internal richness to share. A mature, committed relationship is secure and revealing yourself is safer and more rewarding. Popular opinion often confuses genital prime with sexual prime. Sexual prime actually develops as we mature as people and as couples and it is sexual prime not genital prime that is associated with better and more meaningful sex. 

In order for couples to capitalize on this and have increasingly great sex they must let go of certain fantasies. If you prefer reality to fantasy you will have great sex. If couples are going to have great sex they need to learn to be intentional and communicative and we do that by making friends with reality. I am a huge proponent of the sex date as a means of practicing sexual intimacy and if a couple is going to make, keep and enjoy a sex date several fantasies must be dispelled. 

• The fantasy of spontaneity: Many people have the fantasy of “being taken” or “overcome by sexual desire.” While this can be pleasant and may be a part of a couples’ sex life or sexual history, it is not a prerequisite for great sex. I think clinging to this fantasy keeps us sexually immature because in the “being taken” fantasy there is no communication, accountability or vulnerability. In short this fantasy lacks intimacy. The sex date is an opportunity to practice intimate sex which is intentional, communicative and based in reality rather than fantasy.
• The fantasy that we need to be young or look a certain way to have great sex. If our sexual potential has to do with personal depth and experience then it only makes sense that we get better with age. Think about it: how comfortable with yourself were you when you were 17? How self aware were you? How much life experience did you have? As David Schnarch says in Passionate Marriage, “Cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated.” 
• The fantasy of what sex should be. One of the most important things we can do is expand the margin of what “counts” as sex. Many people keep sex in a narrow margin in which only orgasm, erection or penetration are included. The fact is, in a sexually intimate relationship that is intentional and mature, your margin will have no bounds. The sex date facilitates a sexually intimate relationship that is highly explorative and subjective. Couples must expand their horizons if they are going to have a sexual relationship that is based in reality rather than fantasy. Sexually intimate couples are not trying to adhere to someone else’s definition of sex and don't compare themselves to other couples. Sexually intimate couples know themselves and are confident knowing what they want and need. 

To establish a wonderful practice of making and keeping a sex date follow these steps: 

1. Talk to each other. A sexual issue isn’t a sexual issue at all - it’s a talking issue. Talk about the sex you are having now. Talk about how often you are having sex. Talk about how often you want to have sex. You know each other better than anyone - use this knowledge to determine a frequency that will be realistic but also really nurturing to your relationship. Once a week works really well for many couples but there is no prescribed frequency - it is whatever works for you. 
2. Schedule a recurring sex date. Talk some more. When and where do you like to have sex. Mornings, evenings afternoons? Look at your schedules and set a recurring time that will be held as sacred by the two of you. Remember - during this time you will be prioritizing each other above everything else.
3. Keep the sex date. You will be tested. Schedules, in-laws, menstrual cycles, moods, arguments, children, jobs, illnesses and more will try to derail you. This is part of the sex date’s magic - it makes you accountable. If changes need to be made they must be discussed and agreed upon. Sexual Intimacy is not for the faint of heart. If you persist you and your partner will create a wealth of real life sexual intimacy that will facilitate your personal growth as well as the growth of your relationship. 

Keeping the sex date has many profound benefits: 

1. The sex date strengthens your couple bubble by making your relationship a top priority and keeping outside forces at bay. 
2. The sex date strengthens communication because if you do this consistently you will talk through and deal with many things that will try to deter you from keeping the sex date.
3. The sex date strengthens intimacy. 
4. The sex date facilitates personal development. You are accountable, you communicate, you show up, etc. 
5. The sex date deepens self-acceptance. Got a cold? You are still sexy. 
6. The sex date facilitates couples having more sex! Many people think they have to wait until they are overcome with desire or wait until they “feel like it.” to have sex. I want you to remember the important fact that after 5 minutes of being sexual- many people then feel like having sex….

I hope this is helpful to you and that you feel inspired to develop sexual intimacy that is based in reality rather than fantasy. You are worth it. Your relationship is worth it. A sex date is structured but what you do within that structure is not prescriptive - the sky is the limit. I encourage you to be intentional, communicative and to let yourself be known by your beloved. 

What To Do When You Meet Your Edge

I was speaking with one of my clients earlier this week about what it feels like inside when her fear of abandonment gets triggered. I listened to her closely as she described an experience of psychological, physical and emotional discomfort and suggested naming this experience as “meeting her edge.”  “NO!”  she said, the word “edge” didn't nearly describe deeply enough the phenomenon of being pushed to her internal limit. So - again I listened and this time carefully chose my words “YES,” I said “what I am am talking about is your Oh My God, holy shit, mother fucking edge.” “YES” she said, That’s it!”

We all have an edge.

Anyone who is in recovery, in therapy, is part of a secure functioning relationship, or is building awareness in their life is engaged in meeting their edge and I want to talk about this as a brave and rewarding thing to do! 

When I talk about meeting our edge, I am talking about meeting the place inside that feels hard and hot and sharp. I am talking about the place inside that says, “I can’t take it anymore” or “I’m going out the window.” I am talking about the place inside that feels so rough, bleak and unworkable that we throw up our hands ask with pointed desperation,  “who is to blame?” I am talking about the experience inside of feeling persecuted, dejected, grotesque and/or completely fed up. 

We all have this place. 

What do I mean by meeting my edge? I am talking about cultivating curiosity and compassion in the face of our edge. 

I meet my edge in my work, with my partner, in my twelve step group, in my family and in my relationship with myself. It may come with feelings of anger, fear, jealousy, shame or boredom. When it comes up, I can sometimes think I am fundamentally not OK or not enough. My brain will tell me that as a therapist and having done all these trainings and practices I definitely should “be better than this.” Ouch! This kind of self talk is a clue that we are meeting our edge - our mind will say emphatically, “THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING.” 

It is a lie. It should be happening and I want to help you deal with it with as much compassion and awareness as you can muster. Sooner or later we will all meet our edge wether it is in an argument, in response to a loss or just sitting on a meditation cushion. We have an edge because we are human - not because we are bad or “unspiritual.” I experience profound benefits from meeting my edge and use the experience as an opportunity do develop as a person, a partner and as a therapist. 

10 major benefits of meeting our edge: 

1. Meeting my edge fosters growth, insight and transformation. 
2. Meeting my edge helps me remember that this is MY EDGE. It is not caused by a person, place or thing. 
3. Perhaps most importantly, in meeting my edge I can begin to be compassionate with myself. 
4. In meeting my edge I can drop the blame game, drop the story and get busy bringing some desperately needed softness, friendlessness, spaciousness and warmth to my edge. 
5. When I meet my edge I can build some empathy and recognize that everybody has an edge and see first hand how difficult it is to meet.
6. If we can meet our edge, we do not have to compulsively avoid it by acting out or numbing out. 
7. Every time I meet my edge and do not act out verbally or physically I rewire my brain for love rather than war. 
8. Every time I meet my edge and I do not numb it with drugs, alcohol, food, sex or work I develop precious tolerance and self - compassion. 
9. Meeting our edge makes it possible for those in recovery to stay sober/abstinent.
10. For those seeking to develop or deepen secure functioning relationships, meeting our edge is essential, unavoidable and allows us to “grow not go.” 

Meeting our edge is an opportunity to grow. I want to support each of us in meeting our edge with a sense of purpose, acceptance and compassion.

The first step is recognizing and accepting that we all have an edge and getting honest with ourselves when we are meeting it. 

10 tips to help you meet your edge:

1. Wake up to what is happening and say “I am meeting my edge right now.” 
2. Breathe Breathe Breath Breathe. Keep breathing.
3. Rub the palms of your hands together to create some heat and then place your toasty palms on the part of your body that feels your edge. For me it is usually my heart or my face. Focus on the sensation of warmth pouring into that part of your body. Breathe deeply as you focus on the sensation of your palms meeting your clothing or your skin. 
4. Dialog with your edge. Sit your edge down and say “Ok edge, I am listening, what do you want to say.” 
5. Do some writing as your edge, let it out, breathe and listen. 
6. Do some artwork: What color is your edge, what does your edge look like? 
7. Ask for help. Call a friend, say a prayer, go to a meeting, reach out to a therapist or mentor. 
8. Say to yourself, “Everyone has an edge, I am enough as I am.” 
9. Stop acting out, arguing or blaming yourself or another person for your discomfort. 
10. Take some time to “come down.”  Whatever you are wrapped up in does not need more attention, to be resolved or “figured out” no matter what your brain is telling you - that is just the chemistry talking! 

Most importantly, remember that there is something beyond the edge. The edge is a precipice to love. Although our edge can feel like “the end of the world” beyond that edge is love and insight. I support you in meeting your edge and opening to that love - I will be here however falteringly, doing the same practice. XO