Working With Codependence: The Wounded Child, Adapted Child and Functional Adult

Dear Community,

Happy April and hoping you are all experiencing a rebirth of what you hold dear. It has been a rich month full of wonderful work with clients, special time with our aging terrier and exciting encounters with birth and death. I love this life! Not to mention new seasons of Game of Thrones and Sabrina the Witch....

My theme this month is codependence. I work a lot with people to stretch their perspective on what codependence is, how it works in our lives and how to use this awareness as a springboard for growth. 

My training and experience with codependence is grounded in Pia Melody's seminal and I believe divinely channelled developmental model. Her's was the first psychological model I immersed myself in nearly 20 years ago and it has shaped my inner work and my work with clients profoundly. She outlines the 5 characteristics of a child and how these characteristics develop and shape our lives. 

Pia says we come into this world as valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent and spontaneous. We get impacted in these areas and then develop issues respectively with self esteem, boundaries, reality, interdependence and moderation. See the matrix of developmental issues here. Buy her book here. 

My spiritual perspective is that people are impacted in these five core areas and develop super powers as well as liabilities as a result. We can't have the super power without the liability and vice versa. I believe recovery is about recognizing our super powers and liabilities and becoming responsible for both.

To distill the wisdom of her model, I like to focus on the three developmental stages. Three is magic. These three developmental stages are linear and they are not linear. They developed as we aged but they exist within us now as different states of consciousness. I believe codependence is simply a lack of awareness about the 5 core issues and about how we were impacted as developing children. Codependence is also a lack of awareness about which of the three states of consciousness we are in at any given time. This lack of awareness results in difficulty shuttling between the three states and means we can get stuck in one of the first two. Awareness is the key to recovery and to getting unstuck. Here are the three stages/states: 

• Wounded Child ~ each of us was a precious child that experienced some degree of enmeshment or abandonment because we and our care givers are human. This wounded child's super power is that she is in touch with the oneness of all things. Her corresponding liability is that she can't differentiate herself from her environment. She feels deeply and and can become overwhelmed by those feelings.

• Adapted Child ~ each of us has an adapted child that sprung up to care for the wounded child and we wouldn't have made it this far without her! She is amazing and deserves our gratitude. This adapted child has many superpowers rooted in her creativity and her will to survive. She also has liabilities because although she may look like an adult she isn't. She thinks it's all up to her and she acts impulsively to deal with or cover up the wounded child's pain. She is what Jung called the persona.

• Functional Adult ~ this part of us is what Jung called "individuated." She is what many would call the observer. She is aware of the wounded child inside and has undertaken the job of loving her unconditionally. She is aware of the adapted child and has lessened her burden by developing spiritual resources that help her feel less alone and able to trust herself and the universe. The functional adult has some ability to recognize when she is triggered into the wounded or adapted child and pause. She has inner and outer resources that help her calm her nervous system and shuttle back to her grown up Self.

We will always have the wounded and adapted child, recovery is not about banishing them. Recovery is about resilience, awareness, perspective and resources. Recovery is about being in the functional adult state of mind a little more than in the wounded or adapted. Recovery is about getting to experience relational freedom and fulfillment as a functional adult.

When my wounded child is feeling overwhelmed I can call on my functional adult to care for her. A visualization that helps me tremendously is that of a large shady tree (like Monet's willow tree below) protecting and nurturing my wounded child. This tree is my functional adult. I still feel the wounded child's feelings but I identify with the tree ~ strong and rooted. This functional adult contains and nurtures the wounded child and allows me to ground and connect with my observer~Self.

To work with the wounded child begin to notice when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Ask yourself,how old do I feel right now? Picture yourself in your mind's eye at that age. Slow down and feel what's happening in your body. If you are resourced enough, step into the experience like you are stepping into a portal. What do you notice? Begin to think about what you were going through at that age. Perhaps you remember something overwhelming or scary happened back then? Find some compassion for the precious child you were and begin to feel that compassion softening your experience. Picture the young you surrounded by light, in a favorite place in nature or in the arms of a loved one.

To work with the adapted child begin to notice when you are stressed or experiencing unmanageability in your life and ask for help from another person or connect with a spiritual resource.

To connect with your functional adult work with grounding. Remember that you are no greater or less than any other person. Your worth and value as a human cannot be raised or lowered. Remember that each of us on on the spectrum with codependence and that each of us is growing up at our own perfect pace.

I hope this distilled perspective on codependence is digestible and peaks your interest in the topic. To learn more check out one of Pia Melody’s books.

Sending love to all.

P.S. I recommend going to seeMonet: the Late Years at the De Young. Check out the beautiful series of willow trees towards the end of the exhibit.

Claude Monet

Working With Dreams

Dear Community,

Wishing you all a happy spring as we journey into longer days. I hope you get to enjoy some of the luscious wild flowers surrounding us. All along the coast a stunning array of color awaits. 

This month I am focussed on dreams and dreaming. Jung said that dreams are perhaps the quickest route into the unconscious. Marion Woodman says that if we cultivated a true and deep relationship with our dreams we wouldn't need therapy. Dreams speak to us in the language of the unconscious. This language is our native tongue and the language of the soul. This language requires curiosity, tolerance, creativity, intuition and feeling into. It asks these things of us in return for its rich rewards. If we can tolerate feeling unsure and remain curious ~ a dream can nourish us with a soul message.

Dreams help us process feelings and learn the language of symbolism. Dreams increase our tolerance for the unknown and help us to cultivate curiosity. Dreams help us look at our lives from different perspectives
and reveal hidden strengths and opportunities. Dreams cultivate wholeness by bringing unconscious parts of ourselves into conscious awareness. Dreams create a dialogue between the conscious mind and the unconscious mind and between the different parts of ourselves. Dreams invite connection with our soul and our inner guidance.

My current favorite book about dreams and dreaming is Inner Work: Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth by Robert Johnson. This book contains an easy to understand overview of Jungian concepts that are extremely useful to any dreamer. Robert outlines a four step process for working with dreams that synthesizes a vast amount of wisdom and technique. 

From Inner Work pg. 51

• Step one ~ Making associations: here we write down all of our associations with a dream image. For instance if I dream about a willow tree I might write ~ willow tree ~ England - rivers edge - fairies - sadness- safe place - childhood home - solitude - magic - grandmothers. We make associations directly with that image which is different from "free associating" where we follow a chain of associations away from our original image.

• Step two ~ Connecting dream images to inner dynamics: This is where we connect the dream image to internal experiences. These internal phenomenon are specific feelings and reactions we have to life situations and they are also more broadly representative of specific parts of ourselves. To use the example of the willow tree again: where in my life have I been craving solitude and a safe place? What situations are bringing up sadness? Who is the part of me that connects with magic and my ancestry? Does this part of me have something important to say right now?

• Step three ~ Interpreting: this is where we make a coherent statement about what the dream means to me as a whole (Johnson 87). Here I articulate the central message of the dream in a way that clicks and feels alive. It is essential I take the time to do the first two steps because the interpretation is the fruit and synthesis of this initial time and effort. I might interpret the willow tree dream like this: It is important I take time for solitude and deep connection with myself and my feelings.

• Step four ~ Doing rituals to make the dream concrete: this is where I do something physical to actually integrate the dream into waking conscious life. There are endless ways to do this. We can make a drawing, painting, collage or other creation that depicts the images, feelings or message of the dream. We can dance the dream. We can make literal changes in our life that reflect the wisdom gained through the dream work. We can simply light a candle or do whatever we feel moved to do as long as it has a physical, tangible element. The ritual I might choose for the willow tree dream is go and find a willow tree and spend time with her or to go and sit by the waters edge and embody my own willow woman, feeling feelings and enjoying peaceful solitude.

I chose one dream image to illustrate the process which is nice and simple and a good way to start. Once we get the feel for working with dreams we can do steps one and two with all elements in the dream and weave a more contextual and specific interpretation. The best way to start working with dreams is to get a dream journal and put it and a pen right next to your bedside. It takes about 30 seconds to forget a dream so it must be quick and easy to put pen to paper. Just start writing and record what you can. Be patient. Sustainability and consistency are key when it comes to developing a relationship with dreams. I keep a nightly dream journal and then take some time on Sundays to work with a particular dream that really stands out. At that time I can also notice other images from the week and do a little research into mythical or archetypal associations with those images. 

I love the four step approach to working with dreams but remember you can work with dreams in any way that feels right to you. Some people enjoy creating artwork or imagery that connects to their dream life. You can collage your dream or write a dialogue between yourself and a character in a dream. You can bring a dream into therapy and work collaboratively to interpret the dream.

Remember that each part of the dream is a part of you that is asking to be acknowledged and that wants to heal and inspire. The most potent tool for dream work is pen and paper. When we record our dreams through writing or art making we activate the dialogue between the unconscious and conscious mind and this dialogue has the power to heal. 

The above painting depicts the Greek Goddess Nyx, goddess of night and sleep. I love the image of this feminine form sweeping the cloak of night across the sky with the ocean beneath her. Can you see the magical colors dancing on the water's surface? The owl, her companion reminds us that we have the skill to see in the dark if we only make ourselves receptive and pay close attention. 

I highly recommend the audio interview Dreams with the great Marion Woodman as a way to learn about the important role of dreams and dreaming.

Casey Zabala is a wonderful resource next door at The Scarlet Sage. She is a gifted Tarot reader and also works with dream interpretation. Learn about her beautiful Tarot deck the Wanderer's Tarot and book a reading with her here. 

Wishing you all the very best and happy dreaming! 

Jungian Psychology, Metaphor and Connecting With Your Inner World

Dear Community,

Happy Birthday to my fellow February birthdays! To celebrate I spent three wonderful days Indian Springs which is one of my most favorite places. I enjoyed soaking in the magical water which seemed extra warm and steamy in the cool and fresh February air. In the morning there was even frost on the ground!

A birthday treat was participating in "Living in the Metaphor" a training workshop exploring Jungian sandtray and expressive arts. This depth training reminded me that Psyche's language is expressed through myth, image and dream and that this is indeed our native language.

Jung's legacy is all about honoring the inner world and exploring our native language of symbolism. We use various mediums in our work to ferry us to the inner world and converse there with each other, with ourselves and with what Jung called the collective unconscious. As I have evolved as a psychotherapist I have become increasingly clear on my role and on the nature of the work. My role is to provide space and various mediums with which each client can ferry to their own inner world. The "work" is cultivating a connection with the inner world that provides the answers and the relief we seek. It is a profound honor to witness and participate in this process and something I want to do for the rest of my days.

If you are interested in Jungian psychology a nice place to start might be Memories, Dreams, Reflections which are Jung's memoirs written towards the end of his life. Inner Work by Robert Johnson is another great book about exploring the inner world.

I may have mentioned before that the C. G. Jung Institute of San Francisco is moving to the Mission and 22nd Street! This transition will take some time and you can help the process by donating here. The Institute has been providing resources and training to professionals and members of the public for over 70 years and will be a beacon for our Mission neighborhood.

A birthday gift to myself was a Tarot reading from Sarah Faith Gottesdiener which was really powerful. I love the intensity of tarot readings and have also learned to take care of myself around this intensity. I take a long time to integrate the energy and input I get from a one time session of this sort. I have come to understand that what comes through will take time to digest and that I might even experience a bit of a "low" after the "high" of a reading. I wonder if others have experienced this? This awareness has helped me enjoy and take care of myself around these kinds of experiences. I take what I need and leave the rest. I journal and process the information with my husband and with my support people. I remember I am always in process and the only goal is to enjoy the journey. I reflect on the fact that for me there is no replacement for good old fashioned weekly therapy sessions during which therapist and I learn to titrate, pace and digest information and feelings together.

The year is off to a great start and I am excited to share it with you all. I am so enjoying my new office. I am also slowly developing my home office as a lovely space for clients and groups. So far I am teaching two workshops this year, one next month on developing a successful private practice and later in the year I will be doing something fun at The Scarlet Sage (details to come).

This year a dear friend gifted me a book about Henri Rousseau. Above is my favorite painting by Rousseau The Sleeping Gypsy. About this painting Jungian Sallie Nichols writes: "The gypsy's sleep is haunted by dreams of his lost animal soul: the restless beast sniffs out the mystery of humanity, yearning for it's touch. Fortunately, the hero in our story remembers his dreams and is aware of the lion that prowls around in the night. Apparently he has also made contact with the anima who walks beside this animal. With this powerful lady as guide, the hero may safely explore the inner forests of his psyche. With her help he may come to know the lion and all the other primitive beasts who inhabit the darkest recesses of his being. "

For me this painting captures the mystery and excitement in the encounter with the unconscious. It speaks to the power and strength inherent to the inner world and how this world seeks communion with us, through dreams, images and symbol.

Wishing you all the very best.

Henri Rousseau

Entering the Cave, Working with the Shadow

Dear Community,

Happy New Year! Hope you have been enjoying all this incredible rain.

Water is grounding in its essence as it always flows down towards the earth. Water finds its way through every crevice of the land ~ down ~ down ~ into the womb of the earth. This winter I am learning from the water and finding my way down into the nutrient rich soil of my inner world and of the earth. No matter what the circumstances, no matter what engaging and distracting elements dance upon the surface lets follow waters example and find our way to the depths and find our way home.

If you live in California you know that our winters are mild and yet many of us still feel the pull to hibernate. I encourage those that have it to honor that pull and to ground, to be in our homes, to make soup and to hibernate in the ways that feel restorative and rejuvenating to YOU. Winter invites us to go into the cave of ourselves where we can rest and take refuge. During meditation we can imaging grounding down into the earth and finding mineral rich caves in which to burrow and soak up the earth's protection. Within those caves we can enjoy the nutritious darkness and the earths embrace. Down in the belly of the earth ~ inside a cave ~ we see that darkness is not simply the absence of light. It is nutritious and rich and thick with aliveness. The winter reminds us of night’s nourishment and encourages us to rest, to sleep, to dream and to embrace our own shadow. This allows us to absorb those nutrients and embody that richness.

The full moon lunar eclipse this weekend will occur as the sun, moon and the earth are in perfect alignment. During these rare times we can look up at the moon and see our own shadow, the shadow of the earth cast upon our beautiful moon. The ability to observe our own shadow is profound. The willingness to look at our own shadow and see our shadow reflected back to us through the mirror of relationship allows us to grow and to integrate all aspects of our self into wholeness. Perhaps this winter weekend is an invitation to really welcome the nourishing darkness of the season and to embrace with open arms whatever we experience as shadow.

What does the shadow mean to you? Here are some reflections than can reveal the nutrient rich shadow:

What aspects of yourself do you want to risk bringing forward? What is calling to be acknowledged and welcomed into the fullness of who you are? What truth wants to be integrated, acknowledged or spoken out loud? What conversations will bring important issues forward? What is the rebel in you calling for? What needs are longing to be met? What in you feels vulnerable but also very alive? What aspects of you might threaten the status quo of brought to the forefront?

During this potent time we may choose to acknowledge what we are letting go of and what we are hanging onto. So often we emphasize letting go as the important work but I think what we want to hold onto and deepen is also truly valuable. Perhaps we could hold a little memorial for the old ways of being that are naturally released when we acknowledge the shadow. What ways did we learn to survive that we no longer need? We can acknowledge and thank these old ways and release them back down into the earth. We can also acknowledge what we love, cherish and want to hold onto. We can renew our vows to those values, people and practices that bring us joy and are our north star.

Wishing you the best during this wonderful winter time. Thank you for all that you bring into my life.

Fun Resources:

Have you heard about about the Hedge School? They offer classes and workshops in North America, Europe and online on subjects dear to my heart such as, Celtic myth and tradition, Fairy tales and archetypes, the wheel of the year and practical skills for grounding and rooting. Sharon Blackie the author and psychologist who wrote my favorite book of 2018 If Women Rose Rooted created and teaches at the Hedge School.

All who know me know I love art and all who work with me know I believe art has the power to connect us with powerful emotions and to integrate parts of psyche that can’t be held by language. To Fix the Image in Memory is a current exhibit at SFMOMA that I think you will enjoy. SFMOMA is a lovely place to be while the rain is coming down.

Has anyone seen Sex Education on Netflix? I think it is so fun and who wouldn't want Gillian Anderson to be their therapist?!

Lots of love to all!

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Winter Solstice, Holiday Magic and Resources

Dear Community, 

Happy December!

In other exciting news, I will be starting sessions Thursday 1/3  in my new office down the hall! I am so pleased I can begin the new year in the new space. I am really looking forward to making it a space where we feel held and inspired. 

I am wishing you all the warmth and light of the spirit as we head towards the longest night of the year December 21 and the Solstice sunrise on December 22. The nights are getting longer and enveloping us in her nourishing, reflective embrace as we head towards the winter solstice ~ the longest night of the year.

On Winter Solstice those of us in the northern hemisphere will be tilted as far from the sun as is possible. We lean deep into to the darkness and touch the heart of her wisdom. For those of us involved in the work this time has special meaning. We know that as we go willingly into the dark we find the light within. As we face the shadow we find we are no longer afraid of the night, afraid of the feelings, afraid in the darkness that is in us and is also everywhere in nature. We face the darkness and rejoice as the spark of consciousness, awareness and compassion is birthed deep inside that long night. The cycle continues with the solstice sunrise and we move again towards longer days ~ all in a flux ~all in a flow ~ as my meditation teacher used to say.

During this rich season take time for yourself. Question obligation. Light a candle. Set some intentions for the new year. Find gratitude in your heart for all we were given this year. Spend some time in nature. Gaze into your beloved's eyes. Know that you are enough and part of the web that connects us all. Know that I see you and who you are. 

The many moons planner has some great journaling prompts for setting intentions for the new year. I like to break intentions down into categories for greater clarity and potency. Take a moment to connect with your heart and write down your intentions for...

• self care/ self development/ personal enrichment

• physical health

• career/life purpose

• relationships

• spiritual/emotional growth and evolution

• being of service

Here are some favorite resources that might be of help and inspiration. I like to schedule practices, classes, workshops and sessions that I know will directly support me in my intentions. We don't do these things alone!

~SOTHA Certification programs at the Scarlet Sage School of Traditional Healing Arts (right next door.)

~Scarlet SageClasses offer an opportunity to connect with others and be inspired and supported.

~Berkeley Extension Classes have wonderful in person and online options for furthering your interests, skills, personal and career goals. I like thehumanitiescourses!

~CIISpublic programs where you can participate in workshops and hear amazing teachers discuss topics related to personal and collective transformation.

~Get a healing tarot reading fromTizianato synthesize your learning from 2018 and envision what you want in 2019.

~Improve your health with a Molekule air purifier. My husband and I invested in one and now wake up feeling like we are on a mountain top breathing clean crisp air.This link gives you a coupon for $75off and a coupon for me also.

~Receive some truly inspired herbal consultation and a magical herbal formula made just for you by Kelsey atHeavy Nettle.

~Get acupuncture in a comfy lazy-boy chair at Tiny Needles.

~Read my favorite book of 2018 If Women Rose Rooted: The Journey to Authenticity and Belonging By Sharon Blackie

~Favorite cozy Christmas movies we watch ever year:
Its a Wonderful Life
Muppet Christmas Carol

~Strange Magic Podcast where Sarah and Amanda go through the entire Tarot deck and explore the Archetypes one by one.  

If you are not currently on my schedule and want to be in the new year I suggest reaching out before I leave December 17 or make an appointment request now as space is limited and will fill up fast in the new year. I will be approving appointment requests upon my return January 3.

Again I wish you all the best through the holiday and I look forward to connecting with you in the new year!

Lots of love to all!

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