Compassion for the Trigger

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Wishing you all a happy spring, equinox and March full moon. May your dreams and intentions be unfolding in a way that you can see and feel!

I am enjoying 2020 so far, looking forward to some new learning and training through Bay Area Reclaiming beginning this month and some exciting upcoming travel in April. I am waitlisted for ongoing psychotherapy but please come in for a tarot reading if you feel called!

In regards to recent health concerns - as always please remember that if you are feeling unwell it is preferable to have a facetime session and stay home. No advanced notice is necessary - just email me anytime before an individual, couples or tarot session to let me know we will be meeting remotely.

RECIPE FOR THIS MONTH

HAVING COMPASSION FOR THE TRIGGER

“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”

~ Bessel A. van der Kolk

We all get triggered. When we are triggered we are having a threat response where the intensity of the response fits the past not the present. In a trigger we are responding from a an earlier developmental stage during which we had some overwhelming emotions.

Growing up is overwhelming for most people at some point. Children developmentally lack boundaries and are vulnerable physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually. Like sponges they absorb the emotions and energy of their caretakers. This results in intense feelings and sensations in the body. If any kind of abuse, addiction, codependence or mental illness is occurring this phenomenon intensifies.

When we get overwhelmed our brain works differently than when we feel safe and relaxed. Ordinarily we perceive a threat in one part of the brain (the amygdala or emotional brain) and another part of the brain checks the threat and assesses the situation (the frontal lobe or rational brain). Trauma breaks down the communication between these two parts of the brain.

The result can be a perceived threat in the emotional brain that doesn't get verified or assessed by the rational brain. This is when we have big feelings about relatively small stimuli such as a look, a tone, a pause in conversation, the mention of a tender topic or allusion to a past hurt. Once the threat alarm goes off intense emotions may follow and cascade us into a flight, fight or freeze response. Under these conditions we may start acting impulsively, saying or doing things we later regret or we may start shutting down and feeling unable to talk or communicate. In short when we are in the trigger we don't feel like ourselves...because we are not ~ we are under the influence of powerful chemicals that inhibit our normal functioning.

It is important to understand how automatic these responses are so that we can decrease shame about getting triggered. Once we accept that all people experience this phenomenon to some degree we can stop fighting the trigger and reduce acting it out. Acceptance opens the door to compassion. We can not rationalize or talk ourselves or our partner out a trigger. We can be compassionate and develop skills that allow for pause, awareness, empathy and resilience.

We must use a "bottom up" approach in these situations because the rational brain is essentially offline during a trigger. This means we work with the breath and with sensation. We pause and slow our breathing which soothes the autonomic nervous system - the part of the nervous system engaged in a trigger. We notice sensations in our body and start to observe them without judgement. If possible we allow for soothing touch from a partner or a close friend.

We can say to ourselves "I am in a trigger right now and I have compassion for that. This happens to everyone. This is painful and it will pass."

This practice is profound. It has major implications for the health of our bodies, minds, spirits and relationships. The release of stress chemicals from getting triggered is linked to increased health risk. One in three couples are violent with each other as a result of getting triggered. Many people become addicted to substances or risky behaviors that help them numb the painful effects of getting triggered. Working instead with acceptance and compassion means we move through the trigger more smoothly and don't get stuck there. We are less likely to cause harm and more likely to protect ourselves with functional boundaries. This is a profound act of self-care that is good for us, our relationships and the planet.

Can we accept getting triggered sometimes as part of being human?

Next time you feel angry or afraid are you willing to meet the sensations in your body with some curiosity?

What sensations do you feel in your body right now?

FAVORITE MARCH BOOKS

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Bessel Van Der Kolk MD

Initiated: Memoir of a Witch
Amanda Yates Garcia

MARCH TAROT CARD:

THE ACE OF WANDS

A new sense of purpose. A new challenge. A new passion. A new opportunity to manage our energy and productive and creative ways. A new opportunity to channel our passion into our daily work. A new intention to live our deepest values in our daily lives. A refusal to abandon ourselves. Authenticity. Spiritual Awakening! The irrepressible spark within. The willingness to revel in and express our divine spark and truest Self. Spontaneity. Vitality.
The truth shall set you free.

Letting go of Chaos

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Sending love to all this full moon February. I hope your year is off to a good start. I am feeling very alive and switched on after participating in some great workshops and tarot trainings this year already ~ What a way to begin! Feeling grateful for my community and the growth, inspiration and guidance I enjoy as a therapist. The learning never ends. Thank you for being a part of it! 

RECIPE FOR THIS MONTH

Letting go of chaos...

"If you grew up in a home where Chaos was present or it's what got you attention, look to see the ways in which you may be drawn into, create, or crave chaos now. It may be one of the only ways your system knows how to be because of familiarity, and it may be the only way your system is convinced it can get connection or love."

~Vienna Pharaon MFT

Peace can feel unfamiliar as those in recovery know. When our path unfolds into a secure-functioning relationship, addiction recovery or emotional stability, we begin to experience a strange phenomenon - a distinct absence of chaos. Initially we may confuse this serenity with boredom or even depression. If we go deeper we may observe ourselves unconsciously gravitating away from the unfamiliar calm and back to the chaotic familiar. This is a natural part of the process. It may look like picking a fight with our partner, engaging in gossip, trying to "save" someone, way over-scheduling ourselves or worst case, relapsing in an addiction. None of us lives a fantasy life completely free of drama and drama is an exciting and essential part of the human experience. However, with awareness, support and practice we start to enjoy peace more and crave chaos less. We start to feel invigorated, healed and inspired by the space peace creates. When we inevitably feel the pull to chaos we start to let go of the rope. Imagine a muddy game of tug or war in which you let go of the rope, walk off the field and slip into a hot bath. Letting go of the rope is a choice and a powerful practice in self compassion and staying centered. It is practicing the art of staying centered called boundaries. Letting go of the rope may look like not responding to an inflammatory text message, choosing to talk with a good listener instead of fighting to be heard, choosing self care over people pleasing, not overbooking ourselves or taking space from a toxic relationship.

What does letting go of chaos and inviting more peace look like for you today?

If you feel moved, make a list of old beliefs, behaviors, relationships or obligations that create more chaos than peace. As you look at this list imagine compassionately letting these elements go. What do you feel inside? Without judgement ask yourself, am I willing to let go? Where do you feel that willingness in your body?

Fun option: Burn the list over a bowl of water and pour onto the earth or down the drain.....

FAVORITE FEBRUARY BOOKS

Wyrd sisters Oracle Deckby Casey Zabala

Book of Tokens Tarot meditations by Paul Case

We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love by Stan Tatkin

If you are a student of the Tarot or are interested in the Tarot, Maria Ellen Chiaia PhD MFT is teaching this wonderful class at the San Francisco Jung Institute:

LIVING SYMBOLS OF THE TAROT: A JOURNEY THROUGH ARCHETYPAL PATTERNS OF SOUL

FEBRUARY TAROT CARD:

THE STAR

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

How are you letting your gifts be seen?

How are you stepping into the power of vulnerability?

What old beliefs and ways of being are you dissolving as you let your light shine?

Gathering the Bones

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Happy New Year and happy full moon! I hope you have a moment to bask in the moonlight this weekend. I invite you to also acknowledge yourself for navigating the holidays! If challenges arose - is there a way to use those challenges an invitation to get down to the bones of things and to what is most essential as you step into the new year? Winter is the season of the hag or bone woman archetype - the time where we are invited to come back to our most deeply held truths and values. Going "home for the holidays" is one way of returning to source at this time of year but on the deepest level...

What is it like to come home to yourself?

RECIPE FOR THIS MONTH

Gathering the bones....

Do some journaling, collaging, art work or free writing on the following....

1. What are some times in childhood or in the recent past that you felt most alive, in flow, embodied or blissful? Free associate and trust what comes up. List them out.

hint: These are often fleeting, personal or quiet moments. Like staring at a tree on the way to work, seeing our beloved cozy in bed or getting lost in art or cooking.

2. If you had "one year to live" - what do you picture yourself doing?Write what comes up. Would you sit in the garden, spend time with loved ones, create, travel?

3. Take these two ingredients and let them boil and bubble - reduce them down to their bones - distill them and notice the patterns they contain. What do you see? Name what you see to give you what Danielle Dulsky calls your "unburnablevalues."

For instance in . #1 if you have a memory of feeling fully alive in nature as a child and in #2 you also picture yourself spending time in nature one of your unburnables may be "connection with nature." Other examples of unburnable values are service, love, creativity, spirituality, pleasure....

Gather the bones and spend some time acknowledging these unburnables in a way that feels right to you. Bring them into consciousness by writing them down and placing them somewhere visible like an altar space. Perhaps use an unburnable as the basis for a painting, poem or collage.

These unburnables will also connect you to your desires and intentions for the year. Begin to write these down if they are emerging.

4. What do you want?You can also begin to loosely gather information on what specific actions, people, classes, investments and supports will move you closer to those desires. I encourage you to do this gently like you would gather images for a collage, giving yourself time to be in the liminal space of the new year. Next month is a wonderful time to look at these aspects again and then move forward with passion, purpose and commitment.

~ inspired and adapted from Danielle Dulsky's Bone Vision Mandala.

FAVORITE JANUARY BOOKS

Tarot for Yourself by Mary K Greer - This is wonderful book about Tarot from a Jungian perspective. - It is also an experiential workbook that guides you through your own unique journey of exploring the Tarot.

Many Moons Lunar Planner - I have been using this planner for a few years and I can not sing it's praises enough. It has helped me in countless ways to create more awareness, balance and abundance in my life.

This Mythic Life - monthly membership program. Sharon Blackie's membership program offers monthly modules on mythological, feminist, Jungian and archetypal themes. Her work has had such a profound impact on me. A treasure trove!

JANUARY TAROT CARD:

THE EMPEROR

In Numerology, each year has a Major Arcana card and 2020 is the year of the Emperor. This is an invitation to work with themes of power, the Father and Eagle vision. In the words of Sarah Gottesdeiner, "How can you be your own Daddy?" The number IV is a stable number that like a house with four walls, offers shelter and containment. The Emperor archetype within can see a goal in the distance and harness resources, strategy and energy as she moves methodically towards her target.

What is your highest goal? How are you strategically and methodically pursuing this goal one day at a time?

What systems and power dynamics are you outgrowing and overthrowing as you claim your own sovereignty?

How can you enjoy a sense of inner strength and security?

Winter Nourishment

Dear Community,

Happy Winter! We are again nearing the longest night of the year and the slow return of the light. The wheel of the year keeps on turning.....

I am deeply grateful for this year. I am thrilled to have a business that for me marries spirit and matter. Thank you for touching my heart and being a part of it! 

Winter is the time of longing where we are invited to go inside and make room for the depths. To make room for deep feelings and a nameless longing that tugs our heartstrings. We are invited to let this longing emerge and if we are rebellious enough ~ to let it linger. If we let the longing gestate it can collage our deepest hopes before our mind's eye. Contrary to culture - for me this is not time for making resolutions and figuring it all out....it is time to let the longing boil and bubble. If we let it simmer, come spring we will have a hearty broth. Then, as we see the first shoots rising ~ intentions can be molded and formed. But for now let's snuggle up and have tea with the longing. Take refuge in story and in eternal time. Let the song of winter soothe your old bones and rest dear friend....rest. Even if we hustle and bustle ~ let's sip our tea, take one deep breath, drink in moments of solitude and say no to just one thing.....

What song does your longing sing?

THE THREE R'S

Rest ~ breathe, say no, sip tea, take baths, enjoy movies, books, audiobooks and poems. Ask yourself, what would be easy? What would I do if I was prioritizing my own well being above obligation?

Reflection ~ without judgement, giving yourself time to let memories, thoughts and unanswerable questions bubble up into consciousness. Consider, what are some well memories from this year? These are memories where you felt strong, alive or connected. Journal if you feel like it or write a letter to someone special.

Ritual ~ engaging in easy rituals to ground and resource. Light a candle or take an herbal bath. Try making a simple alter at home that sings to you about what you hold dear. Watch a movie that is special to you from childhood. Draw one tarot card in the morning while you sip your tea or coffee.

I added two of my own....

Resource ~ resource yourself in every way possible. Have your favorite foods handy, make a big pot of ginger tea, get plenty of rest. Spend time with the elements ~ water ~ earth ~ fire ~ air. Look at the word re-SOURCE. Connect with your personal sense of SOURCE. Steep in this source.

Recovery ~ If you are in recovery from addiction, codependence, disordered eating, depression, anxiety trauma, sex and love addiction, work addiction (we are all in there somewhere :) then make your recovery a top priority. Attend your meetings, connect with your mentors and fellows, maximize time spent in supportive environments and minimize or eliminate triggering people, places or things. Nothing is more important that your recovery.

FAVORITE DECEMBER BOOKS

The Holy Wild: A Heathen Bible for the Untamed Woman by Danielle Dulsky

Winter Hours by Mary Oliver

Anam Cara A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O'donahue

The Mist Filled Path: Celtic Wisdom for Exiles, Wanderers and Seekers By Frank MacEowen

DECEMBER TAROT CARD:

2 OF CUPS

Soul relationship. The exchange of emotion through communication. The willingness to share and the skill of receptivity. The marriage of complementary elements creates healing and alchemy. The marriage of two creates something new. Did you know that alchemical stoves had over 40 compartments in which all manner of substance and combinations could be boiled and bubbled at various heats. Something always cooking, transforming, in a state of flux - just like us - just like any relationship. The marriage of spirit and matter as represented by the alchemical lion with wings. This card may point to the soul connections in your life but most deeply, the two of cups speaks to us about the relationship we have with ourselves. The Self is where the union of opposites takes place and where the journey from dualistic to wholesome is taken. As we embrace and explore all parts of ourselves we perform our own internal alchemy and distill the gold of our own wholeness.

As you navigate this season I invite you to hold your relationship with yourself as sacred. Take time for yourself and let the waters of communication flow within ~ through simple rituals ~ journaling, a few moments of painting, lighting a candle, sipping tea mindfully......

Paris and Brittany

Dear Community,

Wishing each one of you a season full of warmth! I am recently back from Paris and Brittany and am feeling nourished and transformed by my journey. It was a wonderful opportunity to connect with ancestral lands.

Traveling in a conscious, grounded and intuitive way is one of my passions. Place teaches us. If I listen to a place, I listen to the soul of the world, sharing in her joys and sorrows. For me, sacred places are the cornerstone of a trip itinerary. These places serve as beacons and ground all the lovely shopping and eating in a spiritual context! Celtic sites and places of power for the ancient Goddess serve as my signposts - leading me toward deep discovery and remembrance. A trip begins with a calling to one of these places.

This journey began with a calling to the Carnac Alignements ~ the largest gathering of megalithic stones in Europe, standing for at least 6 thousand years.

The map evolved, leading me to the Forrest of Broceliande ~ home to ancient stories of King Arthur, the Lady of the Lake, the Faery folk and Druid magic.

Finally then to Mont Saint Michael ~ The island home to an ancient Abby and before that...a Celtic Giant. I wanted to come here to connect with Archangel Michael to whom the Abby is dedicated. I love Archangel Michael and I’m always drawn to places that celebrate him as a spiritual archetype.

What historical figures or archetypes intrigue you and pop up in your life?
What places and stories call you and stir your soul?

What are some ways you connect with your intuition and ground your intentions as you travel?

I like to draw a tarot card in the morning and notice how that image or archetype shows up during the day. The image also serves as a reminder of how to open to the day's unfolding. My therapist gave me the wonderful poem that follows. During the journey every time we transitioned to a new place we paused and read this poem together. We were amazed to see how the poem changed throughout the journey. The words acted as a sign post for the soul.

For the Traveler

Every time you leave home,
Another road takes you
Into a world you were never in.

New strangers on other paths await.
New places that have never seen you
Will startle a little at your entry.
Old places that know you well
Will pretend nothing
Changed since your last visit.
 
When you travel, you find yourself
Alone in a different way,
More attentive now
To the self you bring along,
Your more subtle eye watching
You abroad; and how what meets you
Touches that part of the heart
That lies low at home:
 
How you unexpectedly attune
To the timbre in some voice,
Opening in conversation
You want to take in
To where your longing
Has pressed hard enough
Inward, on some unsaid dark,
To create a crystal of insight
You could not have known
You needed
To illuminate
Your way.
 
When you travel,
A new silence
Goes with you,
And if you listen,
You will hear
What your heart would
Love to say.
 
A journey can become a sacred thing:
Make sure, before you go,
To take the time
To bless your going forth,
To free your heart of ballast
So that the compass of your soul
Might direct you toward
The territories of spirit
Where you will discover
More of your hidden life,
And the urgencies
That deserve to claim you.
 
May you travel in an awakened way,
Gathered wisely into your inner ground;
That you may not waste the invitations
Which wait along the way to transform you.
 
May you travel safely, arrive refreshed,
And live your time away to its fullest;
Return home more enriched, and free
To balance the gift of days which call you.
 
~ John O'Donohue ~

In case you too are called to this part of the world…Here are a few of my favorite things:

My favorite place for dinner in Paris: Josephine Chez Dumonet
My favorite place for shopping in Paris: Marche aux Puces de Saint-Ouen - Europe’s largest flea market.
My favorite place for relaxing in Paris: By the fountain at Le Jardin du Palais Royale
My favorite place for tea in Paris: Marriage Freres Rive Gauche. Try the gold cake!

Favorite place for plant/food magic and alchemy in Brittany: Le Coquilage ~ a five hour exploration of the sea and the land through taste and smell. More than just lunch!

My favorite medieval town in Brittany: Dinan. If you go you must stay at la Maison Pavie, the most charming hotel right in the heart of the historic town center.

If you go to Mont Saint Michael recommend staying overnight so that you can walk the island in the evening in the early morning when it is quiet and almost deserted. My favorite Airbnb of all time (so far) is located on the island. Le Tete Noire is simply charming and will infuse you with a sense of history. This sweet couple will serve you an incredible breakfast and if you’re lucky show you around their incredible home.

We also enjoyed some wonderful private guided tours through Localers Tours in Paris.

Enjoy!