10 Keys to Lasting Love

Dear Community, 

This months email is about LOVE. The following 10 keys are geared towards partnerships but many of the principles apply to any relationship. These are the principles Lord and I practice daily in our marriage. They are grounded in and influenced by 12 step recovery and my work and training in PACT. Enjoy! xo 

10 Keys to Lasting Love

1. Be the partner you want to have. Relationships in which both people are committed to being the change they wish to see flourish and deepen. When we embody what we wish for magic happens. It is fine to be critical - as long as we take our observations and use them as a road map to our own growth. This is alchemy. This is magic. See the Saint Francis Prayer below for inspiration!

2. Pay attention. Paying attention yourself and to your partner is essential because with awareness comes choice. If you are aware and paying attention you will notice relationship distress quickly and respond choice-fully. Pay attention to your own body, look at your partner's face often, stay awake and stay present.

3. Reach out and touch someone. The nervous system responds to touch. Simple, loving touch helps most nervous systems regulate faster than a bunch of words. If there is tension, try gently placing your hands on your partners shoulders and looking into their eyes or moving closer and gently holding their hands in yours. Many "island" types enjoy more subtle contact, like sitting side by side on a couch with shoulders touching.

4. Give and receive reassurance and be bold. The nervous system likes big, bold statements. If we are timid or tepid we won't have the impact we want. Try looking into your partner's eyes and saying "I will never leave you." "I will always have your back." "I am on your side" "I am right here." It is also a fantastic idea to ask directly for reassurance when it is needed. And remember - go big or go home.

5. Keep the sex date. Prioritize your love making and schedule accordingly. Read more about this here.

6. Repair quickly. Couples that repair quickly have more satisfying relationships. The old adage of " never go to bed angry" holds true. Couples that repair quickly and effectively are also more likely to be dynamic because these couples can tolerate difference and complexity. Relationships that repair quickly are sustainable and know that triggers/fights are unavoidable which makes quick repair an essential skill.

7. Ask for what you want. Do not compromise on your core values. If there is something that you want, risk asking for it directly. Expressing a desire is not an ultimatum - it is a clear and vulnerable statement that tells your partner who you are and what you need. When we don't express our needs in clear ways we are likely to breed resentment.

8. Protect your couple bubble. Work together to prioritize the relationship by de-prioritizing thirds. "Thirds" are any elements that come into your bubble and upset the balance. Examples are in-laws, exes, substances, technology, work, etc. Work together to protect the balance of your couple bubble's ecosystem.

9. Talk to each other. Communication is where the rubber meets the road. Share without shame or blame (this feedback loop can help). Ask open questions to draw each other out like "tell me more". Be curious, vulnerable and willing to spend time and energy talking face to face.

10. Have each other's backs Successful couples are on the same team. The world is not always a safe place. Couples need to feel that their partner has their back. Great couples make their relationship a haven from the world and deal with outside threats as a team. They do not blame one another for life's adversities, instead they use them as opportunities to demonstrate their commitment to one another and as bonding experiences. Great couples know that when the relationship thrives everybody wins.

Some relationship science from my teacher Stan Tatkin in a short video here.

Some love poems!

St Francis Prayer 

Lord, make me an channel of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
To understand, than to be understood.
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

-Saint Francis of Assisi

How Do I Love Thee

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Divine Love

O light Eternal, that alone abidest in Thyself, 
alone knowest Thyself, and, known to Thyself and knowing, lovest and smilest on thyself! That circling which, thus begotten, appeared in thee as reflected light, when my eyes dwelt on it for a time, seems to me within it and in it's own color, painted with our likeness, for which my sight was wholly given to it. Like the geometer who sets all his mind to the squaring of the circle and for all his thinking does not discover the principle he needs. Such was I at that strange sight. I wished to see how the image was fitted to the circle and how it has it's place there; but my own wings were not sufficient for that, had not my mind been smitten by a flash wherein came it's wish. Here power failed the high phantasy; but now my desire and will, like a wheel that spins with even motion, were revolved by the Love that moves the sun and other stars. 

-Dante Alighieri from canto xxxiii

Slippers and Rice

Same old slippers, 
Same old rice, 
Same old glimpse of paradise.

-William James Lampton

Sending Love, Hannah

“The love that you search for everywhere is already present within you. It may be evoked by any number of people or events. But finally, you must realize you are this love. The source of all love is within you.” - Gangaji