Boundaries, San Francisco Gardens and More

Dear Community,

Happy June....

“I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” - F Scott Fitzgerald

Many of my conversations have centered on boundaries this month. It has been about 17 years since I was first introduced to boundaries at the Meadows Treatment Center in Arizona. I found myself there - suddenly immersed in recovery and my life changing profoundly. My first week there, Pia Melody happened to sitting in on that weeks group therapy. Everyone was talking about it being such a blessing and a big deal that she was in our group. I was brand new to recovery, experiencing one of the lowest points of my life and totally unaware of my good fortune. I am so grateful now for her and her pioneering spirit and work. Her work truly changed my life.

Any of us interested in recovery, mental health, boundaries, intimacy and spirituality would do well to explore her model. The best way to do this is through one of her two books:

Facing Codependence
Facing Love Addiction

For a deep dive into the model and a truly transformational experience you can attend the Survivors Workshop at the Meadows in Arizona.

Boundaries are a spiritual practice that have to do with existing in the world in a way that recognizes and honors the innate value in ourselves and all people. I have found the exploration and practice of boundaries to be essential in recovering from addiction, anxiety, depression, relationship problems and any kind of abuse or trauma. I continue to learn about boundaries in my personal life and in my work with clients and find the exploration to always be revealing and productive.

I recently listened to this conversation between Alanis Morisette and Pia Mellody and enjoyed Alanis' obvious excitement and gratitude. Their conversation gives a nice overview of boundaries as well as Pia's model and approach.

Enjoy that conversation here.

Have you seen Won't You Be My Neighbor? I loved it. Fred Roger's message is so powerful. Go see it! Watch the preview here.

Speaking of powerful messages watch comedian Hannah Gadsby's Netflix special and prepare to be blown away.

The above painting is one from The Fifth Season Rene Magritte at SFMOMA. This exhibit is truly beautiful and is as psychologically and emotionally stimulating as it is visual. Make sure to download the new SFMOMA app so you can explore the art even more deeply.

Nature for many of us is an essential resource for grounding and joy. I am reminding us all to enjoy the abundance of Golden Gate Park! The Rose Garden is ridiculously beautiful and fragrant and the lovely Botanical Garden is free for San Francisco residents.

Hoping you are finding a sense of adventure - in both the internal journey available through the mundane and repetitious and the external journey we find in travel and novelty.

Happy trails.

XO Hannah

Women's Spirituality

Happy May! I had a recent and wonderful trip to New Mexico and perhaps as a result of sitting with so many statues of the Virgin Mary, this months email is about Women's spirituality. The above is one of my favorite paintings by Georgia O'keeffe. I had the pleasure of visiting her home in Abiquiu on my recent trip to New Mexico. It was lovely to walk around in her aesthetic and see where she lived and painted. The landscape there is hauntingly vast and beautiful.

I fell deeply in love with red chili. 

I highly recommend Santa Fe and northern New Mexico as a pilgrimage for mind, body and spirit. The history, landscape, food, spirituality and culture are amazing. Here are some wonderful things:

Ojo Caliente

10,000 Waves

Cafe Pasual's

La Choza - Get the carne adovada!

Santa Fe Farmers Market

Kakawa Chocolate House 

El Santuario de Chimayo

This charming Air BNB

Georgia O'keeffe House and this great book about her life.

The older I get the more I return to my roots. My first inklings of spirituality were found in the English countryside, wandering around as a child, sitting under willow trees and talking with the flower fairies. I felt deeply connected, grounded and alive in the bosom of the English landscape. As I age, my connection to the earth deepens. With the groundedness of age I am able to expand more and more - I think that is why 40 feels so good!. 

I see the principles of nature as having all the answers to our psychic troubles. Nature shows us the need to embrace both the dark and the light side of our natures. She shows us the cyclical nature of life, mood and energy. These are the foundational awarenesses that bring balance and peace of mind. 

In our culture we must be intentional about connecting with nature's cycles. Our culture is often out of balance and if we look to natures seasonal cycles and the moon's cyclical rhythm we can realign with the ground and with sanity.  

I see grounding as the most fundamental spiritual practice and one that powerfully lessens anxiety, benefits relationships, heals addictions, heals trauma and makes growth possible.  

Three wonderful books on Women's spirituality are Satrhawk's The Spiral Dance, Jean Shinoda Bolen's Goddesses in Every Woman and Layne Redmon's When the Drummers Were Women. The Spiral Dance changed the way I think and live. Lisa Lister's Witch is a ton of fun, includes lots of history and is a great resource for anyone wanting to incorporate earth magic and ritual into their lives. I am talking with her about doing a workshop here in October and will keep you posted on those details!

I hope you are doing well and taking good care of yourself as we move towards Summer. As always, I want to express my gratitude for being on this journey with you. You are awesome. You are doing great work. You are appreciated.Speaking of appreciation, thank you so much to those that have left  yelp reviews. Yelp is a primary way people find therapists in SF so your reviews directly help me connect with people who need support on their journey. Huge thank you!

The use of healing herbs also helps me stay grounded and connect with the earth. My evening cup of magic is created from herbs bought at the Scarlet Sage and helps me get deep sleep. My current favorite is Chamomile flower, Rose petal, Cinnamon, Cardamom and Valerian Root (leave out the Valerian if you are pregnant or on anti-anxiety medication). My favorite book about herbs and intuitive healing is Susan Weed's Healing Wise. 

Financial Recovery

Dear Community, 

Has this month been full of growth opportunities or what?! I am blessed to be connected to many people in work and recovery and so have the opportunity to observe patterns and emotional "weather." From where I sit personally and professionally April has been rich and full of learning. I hope it has been productive time for you and that any challenges have been relatively gentle. :)


In life and work, money issues have been emerging and clarifying. I love talking about money and finances as money is a potent and often taboo subject. For many people talking about money means feeling lots of feelings and so I love creating a safe space in my practice where individuals or couples can do this. For couples, talking about money is important as it is one of the three "biggies" that couples often fight about (the other two being sex and time.)

Dealing with money issues brings great rewards. These rewards are often financial but in my experience are always emotional and spiritual. Knowing that we have faced our financial needs and circumstances squarely and can handle any feelings that arise is truly empowering. 

What are 5 that feelings come up for you when you think about money and finances? Jot them down.....notice where you feel them in your body....

What are five statements that come to mind in regards to money and finances? Jot them down....where do you think these beliefs come from? What do you feel when you hear these statements? 

Money issues often manifest along a spectrum with compulsive spending and or debting on one end and compulsive under earning at the other. One, the other or most often a combination of the two are an invitation to get curious, get support and in my opinion grow through changing my behavior and attitudes around money. 

As always, this newsletter is a means to share some information that may be helpful to you or someone you serve and to share something that has been transformational for me personally.

Here are the tools I practice and swear by that have helped me and many others create peace of mind and prosperity:

1. Reading and practicing the tools in How to get out of Debt, Stay out of Debt and Live Prosperously

2. Reading and practicing the tools in Earn What You Deserve: How to Stop Underearning and Start Thriving

3. Creating a spending record

4. Creating a spending plan

5. Not accruing any new debt

6. Having a safe place to process feelings and examine beliefs about money in personal and couples therapy

Both books go into detail about how to create the spending record and the spending plan. In my experience once those practices have become grooved, anxiety about money goes down and prosperity goes up. I believe there is something magical about being willing to create and keep a spending record. I believe that willingness is empowering and bringing consciousness into my relationship with money is powerful medicine. As a result of these tools I use spending as a mood changer significantly less, have liquidated debt and have built savings and prosperity. Most importantly I have peace of mind and a set of practices that always point me towards gratitude and abundance. 

What are you grateful for? Jot 10 things down. Notice what it is like to focus on and feel gratitude for what you have....

Here are some of the symptoms/signs of compulsive spending/debting or under earning. If you strongly identify with these I suggest checking out one of the books I have recommended or your local debtors/under earners support group here.

• being in debt

• having little savings or assets

• being in financial crisis often

• feeling pain, stress or fear over money

• doing a lot of unpaid or volunteer work

• coming from a troubled/alcoholic family

• resenting people with money

• having only a vague idea of your expenses

• being a workaholic, working in cycles of excess and collapse or not wanting to work at all

• thinking there is spiritual or political virtue in not having money

• being proud of your ability to make do with very little

• believing your occupation won't allow you to make more money

• having old or insufficient clothes or necessities

• having a fantasy that something unrealistic will change the situation

• fearing or resenting spending money but also going on buying binges

• believing more nmoney would solve all your problems

Here is a Ted Talk that speaks to under earning and process addictions in general.

Watch the Video

As always, thank you for being you and doing the work you do. I see you and appreciate you! Thank you to those who have reached out and said you have enjoyed the newsletter - that means so much to me! 

For fun: 

Here is some insight on this Mercury Retrograde business/the emotional weather in April from the great Jessica Lanyadoo.

This Donna Summers video that is very on topic - the dance scene at the end is great. :)

Sending love!

Freedom From Addiction

Dear Community, 

Happy Spring! I am feeling so incredibly grateful for my community - thank you for the work you do, the way you show up and for beingyou. I have been really feeling the magic in my work with clients lately and the big themes in my life and work have been:

• Letting go of the illusion of control whopeeeeee!

• Remembering that all we need is love. No one wants to be approached as a problem to be solved. Love is what heals and expands.

For this months email I chose a subject close to my heart: addiction and recovery. It is my experience that addiction holds the key to uncovering our path to fulfillment. Underneath any addiction powerful forces churn: the desire to be free, to expand, to go beyond thought, to connect, to feel relief, to be in the flow and to feel alive! Powerful stuff! If we want feel free and expansive and our attempts are failing or short lived - we may be stuck in an addictive cycle. Lets get those deeper needs met for real....

Wether an addiction is to a substance that temporarily makes us feel better, or to getting a little attention from Mr/Mrs/Mx Wrong, to the high of accomplishment, to over-working or to hanging on to a resentment - we need to go deeper to quench our desire for wholeness. The substance, person or behavior promises fulfillment but in reality the high it brings us is fleeting and can leave us feeling bereft.

If we recognize our deep spiritual thirst for wholeness and connection we can get honest about how to fulfill those needs for real. This frees us to be in balance with and to enjoy pleasures and distractions for what they are: the fleeting gifts of the third dimension. We can enjoy food, money, sex etc without relying on it because we know true fulfillment comes from deep inside.

I am a person and I get to work with people who strive for balance and want to be fulfilled for real. It is part of my job to tune in to those deep longings and help make them increasingly conscious. It is also my job to help clients explore how they can quench this spiritual thirst for fulfillment. 

I find that there are four main ways people meet these deeper needs and free themselves from addiction:

1. Connecting with nature

2. Connecting with community

3. Spiritual practice

4. Personal creativity

Everyone has their favorite. What is yours?

In Nature, I love to connect with the elements. I love immersing myself in the ocean around Point Reyes Sea Shore or in the bubbling, healing waters in Calistoga. I take a long bath every single night. Driving up to Twin Peaks or walking up Bernal hill connects me with the air and elevates my spirit. Going up on my roof for 10 minutes with a cup of coffee and staring at the clouds does the same. I love connecting to the cleansing power of fire. Homemade candles and palo santo are my favorites. You can go next door to Scarlet Sage Apothecary to find goodies that help to connect with the elements. 

What makes you feel grounded? 

Community is essential to recovery and to wellness. Many people say connection with people is the antidote to addiction. I find a fountain of connection through 12 step community. Many people believe you have to be at deaths door to attend a 12 step group but that is not true. 12 step groups are rich and diverse here in San Francisco and there are literally hundreds of meetings a day. Check out these websites AA, SLAA, SAA, ALANON and know that you are welcome at any meeting. 

Where do you feel at home? 

My spiritual practice is grounded in 12 step participation but the options are endless! We live in San Francisco - it is a spiritual mecca! Some of my favorites are Against the Stream, The SF Zen center, singing Kirtan at Laughing Lotus yoga studio or indulging in 10 days of silence at a Vipasana Retreat. 

Where do you feel the magic?

Creativity is anything that connects us with ourselves and our environment and gives us that feeling of being in the flow. My favorites are collaging, cooking, writing and working with clients. I recently took up paddle boarding! 

What makes you feel alive? 

Recovery is about feeling connected and alive. Here is a fun video where comedian and recovering addict Russell Brand explains addiction and recovery succinctly and hilariously. 

Watch the video :)

For some people, tending to the deeper spiritual needs will seamlessly treat addiction and bring them into balance. Some of us need a jump start or a radical change. For these folks, in-patient treatment can be life changing. My two favorite addiction treatment centers are: 

The Meadows Treatment Center

Serenity Knowles 

The meadows also has incredible week long workshops that enhance recovery profoundly. You can explore those here. 

Remember that letting go of addiction is not about being good. Recovery is about truly enjoying life. The more I let go of addiction the wilder I get.

Reach out today if I can support you, your loved ones or clients in letting go of addiction and going deeper.

Sending love!

10 Keys to Lasting Love

Dear Community, 

This months email is about LOVE. The following 10 keys are geared towards partnerships but many of the principles apply to any relationship. These are the principles Lord and I practice daily in our marriage. They are grounded in and influenced by 12 step recovery and my work and training in PACT. Enjoy! xo 

10 Keys to Lasting Love

1. Be the partner you want to have. Relationships in which both people are committed to being the change they wish to see flourish and deepen. When we embody what we wish for magic happens. It is fine to be critical - as long as we take our observations and use them as a road map to our own growth. This is alchemy. This is magic. See the Saint Francis Prayer below for inspiration!

2. Pay attention. Paying attention yourself and to your partner is essential because with awareness comes choice. If you are aware and paying attention you will notice relationship distress quickly and respond choice-fully. Pay attention to your own body, look at your partner's face often, stay awake and stay present.

3. Reach out and touch someone. The nervous system responds to touch. Simple, loving touch helps most nervous systems regulate faster than a bunch of words. If there is tension, try gently placing your hands on your partners shoulders and looking into their eyes or moving closer and gently holding their hands in yours. Many "island" types enjoy more subtle contact, like sitting side by side on a couch with shoulders touching.

4. Give and receive reassurance and be bold. The nervous system likes big, bold statements. If we are timid or tepid we won't have the impact we want. Try looking into your partner's eyes and saying "I will never leave you." "I will always have your back." "I am on your side" "I am right here." It is also a fantastic idea to ask directly for reassurance when it is needed. And remember - go big or go home.

5. Keep the sex date. Prioritize your love making and schedule accordingly. Read more about this here.

6. Repair quickly. Couples that repair quickly have more satisfying relationships. The old adage of " never go to bed angry" holds true. Couples that repair quickly and effectively are also more likely to be dynamic because these couples can tolerate difference and complexity. Relationships that repair quickly are sustainable and know that triggers/fights are unavoidable which makes quick repair an essential skill.

7. Ask for what you want. Do not compromise on your core values. If there is something that you want, risk asking for it directly. Expressing a desire is not an ultimatum - it is a clear and vulnerable statement that tells your partner who you are and what you need. When we don't express our needs in clear ways we are likely to breed resentment.

8. Protect your couple bubble. Work together to prioritize the relationship by de-prioritizing thirds. "Thirds" are any elements that come into your bubble and upset the balance. Examples are in-laws, exes, substances, technology, work, etc. Work together to protect the balance of your couple bubble's ecosystem.

9. Talk to each other. Communication is where the rubber meets the road. Share without shame or blame (this feedback loop can help). Ask open questions to draw each other out like "tell me more". Be curious, vulnerable and willing to spend time and energy talking face to face.

10. Have each other's backs Successful couples are on the same team. The world is not always a safe place. Couples need to feel that their partner has their back. Great couples make their relationship a haven from the world and deal with outside threats as a team. They do not blame one another for life's adversities, instead they use them as opportunities to demonstrate their commitment to one another and as bonding experiences. Great couples know that when the relationship thrives everybody wins.

Some relationship science from my teacher Stan Tatkin in a short video here.

Some love poems!

St Francis Prayer 

Lord, make me an channel of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
To understand, than to be understood.
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

-Saint Francis of Assisi

How Do I Love Thee

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Divine Love

O light Eternal, that alone abidest in Thyself, 
alone knowest Thyself, and, known to Thyself and knowing, lovest and smilest on thyself! That circling which, thus begotten, appeared in thee as reflected light, when my eyes dwelt on it for a time, seems to me within it and in it's own color, painted with our likeness, for which my sight was wholly given to it. Like the geometer who sets all his mind to the squaring of the circle and for all his thinking does not discover the principle he needs. Such was I at that strange sight. I wished to see how the image was fitted to the circle and how it has it's place there; but my own wings were not sufficient for that, had not my mind been smitten by a flash wherein came it's wish. Here power failed the high phantasy; but now my desire and will, like a wheel that spins with even motion, were revolved by the Love that moves the sun and other stars. 

-Dante Alighieri from canto xxxiii

Slippers and Rice

Same old slippers, 
Same old rice, 
Same old glimpse of paradise.

-William James Lampton

Sending Love, Hannah

“The love that you search for everywhere is already present within you. It may be evoked by any number of people or events. But finally, you must realize you are this love. The source of all love is within you.” - Gangaji